The Nature of Non-Attachment: Letting Go as Parents
Letting Go: The Bow and the Arrow
Kahlil Gibran’s passage from The Prophet speaks to a truth that every parent must come to terms with—the delicate dance between love and letting go. In the section on children, Gibran challenges us to embrace the reality that our children are not possessions but individuals with their own destinies. They may pass through our lives, but they don’t belong to us. This, of course, is easier said than done, especially when you find yourself staring at your little one—my Zaccy—waving goodbye as he steps into the school building for the first time.
I always thought I’d be fine when Zaccy started school. I had mentally prepared myself for the moment he’d step into that classroom. But when the time came, all I wanted to do was scoop him up and take him home. All I ever wanted was to be a “good dad,” and suddenly that meant something different than I had imagined. Instead of keeping him close, being a good dad meant letting him go.
Gibran writes;
"Your children are not your children,
They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself,
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you."
Gibran also says, “You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.” It's that idea of separation we as parents resist. We invest so much love, time, and energy into these little beings, and yet, they belong not to us. Gibran’s image of the bow and the arrow captures it perfectly. We are the bows, steadying and supporting the flight, but our role is to release, not to hold tight.
The Psychology Behind Letting Go
What makes it so hard? Why do we feel that pull to keep them close, even when we know they’re ready? Psychologically, this struggle is part of an ancient instinct—our desire to protect and shield those we love from the unknown. School, even though we understand it’s a place of growth, feels like a wilderness where we can’t be there to ensure their safety, to be the stable ground beneath their feet.
Yet, the more secure a child is in the love and support of their parents, the more confidently they step out into the world. When a child knows that their parent is there to love them unconditionally, to welcome them back home without judgment or fear, they feel free to explore and grow. The parental role in providing that foundation of love is crucial for the child’s independence and happiness.
When children go running into school with a grin, it is a testament to the love and stability they've received. They are ready, and that readiness is a reflection of the trust and confidence they have in their parents. So often, the challenge lies in us—our fears, insecurities, and our need to be needed. We project these onto our children, fearing that if they’re too independent, we could lose our sense of purpose.
But the truth is, children are happiest when they feel secure enough to leave us for a while. It’s not a rejection of our love, but a confirmation of it. Their willingness to step forward into new experiences is a sign that we’ve done our job well. We have to remind ourselves, just as Gibran suggests, that “life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday.”
The Bow and the Archer
"You are the bows from which your children
As living arrows are sent forth
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite
And he bends you with his might
That his arrows may go swift and far
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness
For even as he loves the arrow that flies
So he loves also the bow that is stable"
In this metaphor of the bow and arrow, the archer represents a higher force—life itself, destiny, or even the divine. The archer sees the target, the path of growth, and it is the archer’s role to bend the bow, to create that tension so the arrow can fly swift and far. As parents, we are the bows. We provide that stability and strength. But the bending, the tension, that’s where the challenge lies. It’s in the bending that we feel the strain of letting go, of allowing life to move through our children as it will.
When Zaccy leaves for school each morning, it's as if life itself is pulling on that string, preparing to release him into his future. My job is not to resist the tension, but to allow myself to be bent for the sake of his journey. Gibran says, “Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness,” meaning that this process, though difficult, should be approached with joy. We are part of something greater—our children’s growth, their future, and the infinite possibilities ahead of them.
As a parent, I must trust that Zaccy is being guided by something beyond, something that sees the path ahead. And as much as I want to keep him close, it’s in his flying that I will witness the beauty of my role.
So, as Zaccy waves goodbye with that cheeky grin, I must remember that I am both the bow that steadies him and the foundation that allows him to soar. The love I give him will be the wind beneath his wings as he grows, learns, and becomes the unique person he is meant to be.
As Gibran says, “For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so he loves also the bow that is stable.”
I must embrace that stability, and know that letting him go is the ultimate act of love.
The Nature of Non-Attachment
In yoga, we often talk about non-attachment, or vairagya, but it’s a concept that is seriously misunderstood. Non-attachment isn’t about deciding not to be attached. Saying you're "practicing non-attachment" is often an action of the ego—a way of crafting a yogic image. You can’t truly practice non-attachment, just like you can’t practice attachment. You can try, but it’s all an act. Unless it comes from the heart, it’s just for show. Ultimately, who are we deceiving?
Non-attachment isn’t an intellectual exercise where you simply decide to let go. Trying to force it is deceitful, a trick of the mind, not the heart.
True non-attachment is something you come to understand organically through life’s experiences. It’s not something you practice superficially—it dawns on you deep in your core, as life bends you like that bow. Letting Zaccy go at school wasn’t an act of the mind; it was something deeper, a realisation that unfolded in its own time.
It’s only through living and loving deeply that we begin to understand what attachment truly means. When the moment comes to release our grip, we recognise it—not as a decision, but as a realisation.
We can't force non-attachment, and we certainly can't fake it. We live through it, and in that moment, we understand it in our heart.
Letting go of Zaccy was one of those moments. It wasn’t about practicing non-attachment as a mental exercise—it was about feeling the emotions, the fear, the love, and realising I had to release him into the world. When you do, you see that the true essence of non-attachment isn’t about distancing yourself from love, but about trusting life to unfold as it should.
We don’t practice non-attachment from Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras—we live it.
The purpose of this blog is to help you understand that yoga, and being yogic, isn’t about reading books or thinking Krishna is demanding something of you from the Bhagavad Gita, as if saying, “To be yogic, you must surrender.”
Being yogic isn’t about reading Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras and thinking the ashtanga way is a prescribed path for everyone. That was someone else’s journey, unfolding and retold to us. These aren’t commandments. The Gita and the Sutras are reflections of lived experiences, but life is your true guide. Trust that, and let your own experiences shape your understanding of non-attachment.
Being yogic is about recognising that there is no other teacher than life itself.
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Zahir Akram - Eternal Seeker
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